Saturday, 21 May 2016

The Perpetual Dieter

I came across this in my fb memories feed today and thought I would share.

Perpetual Dieter

I hate food. I hate scales. I hate diets and sizes on clothing.
I hate body image bullshit and wishing I was something I'm not.
I hate mirrors.
I hate this never ending roller coaster.
I hate portion sizes and carbs, fat and calories.
I hate weight watchers and Bernstein.
I hate Jenny fucking Craig.
I hate fat-free, sugar-free, and diet.
I hate organic this and non-GMO that. I hate "good for you" and "bad for you".
I hate chips. I hate chocolate. I hate cake.
Ok maybe not cake.
I hate pounds shed, pounds gained, pounds lost only to be found again.
I hate hating what I've done to the temple that I am.
I hate that I can't live on water and wine. Oh... and coffee.
I hate McDonald's and Tim Horton's and the greasy spoon down the road.
I hate breakfast. I hate lunch. I hate dinner and snacks. 
I hate not loving the way I look. I hate not setting an example for my children.
I hate food addiction. I hate fat. I hate being too (fill in the blank).
I hate the shit I stuff in my face.
I hate eating simply for the sake of feeling something.
I hate feeling full, feeling hungry, and feeling nothing.
I hate feeling guilty.
But I love so much. I love life and I love myself enough to try to change my perception.
~ by T.J. White (c) 2015

Friday, 29 April 2016

The Path

I am certain we all have a destiny. I am certain we all have something to offer the world, to share with others; something that will make the world a more beautiul place. I am also certain our hearts cannot be truly happy until we have found the path that leads us to our calling. Once that path is found it's simply a matter of taking the first step.
As many of you know, writing is what I love most. I have spent years on and off of my path, struggling to find my way. In order to do that I have made sacrifices, poor choices, ad difficult decisions, but I think when the time is right things will finally begin to fall into place.
Over the past few weeks I have change my work schedule to devote one day each week to writing and writing alone (and sharing my work with others). I have applied to university in the hopes of earning my English degree. Do I doubt myself sometimes? All too often. Do I question if I am good enough, smart enough, artisitic enough? Absolutely. Do I want to give up on my dreams? Occasionally. But most importantly, will I ever give up on what my heart truly wants and what my soul needs? Hell no.

The Path
I step and I fall. I step and I fall.
My knees meet the path in a collision of bone and earth,
But I get up again.
I am not sure if I found this path or if this path found me.
But I travel it all the same.
I step and I fall. I step and I fall.

I step and I fall. I step and I fall.
Again and again I pick myself up to walk once more,
But sometimes I crawl.
I walk barefoot over shards of glass, my soles broken,
But my soul struggles on.
I step and I fall. I step and I fall.

I step and I fall. I step and I fall.
My mind is weary, my body tired, my mind is doubtful,
But my heart beats on.
With each step my calling whispers to me through hurricane winds,
But I can hear it call my name.
I step and I fall. I step and I fall.

I step and I step again. I step once more.
This road does not travel over flat lands and smooth roads,
But over mountains.
There is no final destination, nor map nor route nor end in sight,
But simply a journey.
I step and I step again. I fall once more.

I step and I fall. I stand even taller.
Each fall is an opportunity to get up again and again,
But each time stronger.
Each obstacle is a testiment to the greatness I can acheive,
But only if I carry on.
I step. I fall. I stand up again and again and again.

~ by T.J. White (c) 2016

Monday, 25 April 2016

Train of Thought


Runaway Train

Clickity clack. Clickity clack.
Engines chugging
coursing through my veins.
Too many cars on this railway line.

An angry engine hammers down the rails.
Crimson fire
hot coals burn.
Acrid smoke becomes my breath.

I've lost control of my runaway train.Metal on metal
sparks begin to fly.
Derailment looms at this junction.

But then...

Chiggity chig, chiggity chig,
Hot steam oozes
seeps from my pores,
My heart does not beat; it bangs.

Now a rickety engine takes these tracks.
Blue smoke pours
the whistle cries.
Rails scream as the engine labours.

Sombre clouds hang low in dreary skies.
A mountainous range
no more steady chug.
I can't go on. This conductor's weary.

But then...

Chugga choo. Chugga choo.
Endorphins rush
gather in my chest.
Well-oiled wheels begin to churn.

A sleek new engine grips the ties.
Electric power
a break at last.
All aboard! I shout. I scream. I wail.

I feel the rush of this downhill slide.
Wind blows
I feel alive!
The rage is gone. Enjoy the ride!

But then...


Clickity clack. Clickity clack.
This ride's a trip
not fit for all.
On my crazy, uncomfortable, uncontrollable track.

by T.J. Ruberto (c) 2017 


For the first time in my entire life (35 long years), I finally feel in control of my own emotions. Not just for one day either! I have felt balanced for months. 
Now, I feel as though I have a new perspective on the old me. 
There were times when I felt like my emotional self was trapped on a runaway train and I simply had to go along for the ride. There were times when I just wanted company on that lonely journey, to drag others along for company, for compassion, for justification. 
No more. My journey is my own. How I feel is no longer impacted by how others think I should feel, want me to feel, or expect me to feel.  I have matured, changed, evolved, and/or grown emotionally and I can finally see clearly the place where I stood for so long. 
To put into words what it felt like to be trapped on this emotional roller coaster was difficult (to say the least). 

This piece needs A LOT of work, but I will leave it here for now for you to ponder. 

Train of Thought

Clickity clack. clickety clack,
Engines coursing through my veins, 
Too many cars on a single track. 

An angry engine hammers down the line,
Crimson fire burns, hot coals burn bright,
Acrid, dark, this smoke's all mine. 

I've lost control, derailment pends, 
Metal on metal, sparks begin to fly, 
All hope is lost, is this the end? 

But then...

Chiggity chang, chiggity chang, 
Hot steam oozes from my pores, 
My heart does not pulse; it bangs. 

A brand new engine has hit these tracks, 
Blue smoke pours, the whistle cries, 
Stagnant, the air is thick, no turning back.

Somber cloud's hang low, the sky is dreary,
A mountainous range,  no steady chug, 
I can't go on, this conductor's weary. 

But then...

Chugga choo, chugga choo,
Endorphins rush, gathering in my chest, 
Ecstasy at last, these moments few. 

A stronger engine takes the rails, 
Electric power, a break at last, 
All aboard! I shout, I scream, I wail. 

Feel the rush, this downhill slide, 
One-hundred miles an hour now, 
Despite it all, it's worth the ride! 

But then...


Clickity clack, clickity clack, 
This ride's a trip not fit for all,
This crazy, uncomfortable, bipolar track. 

~ By: T.J.White (c) 2016

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

You. Me. Your World.

Everyone struggles sometimes and I am a firm believer is supporting one another through thick and thin, over smooth trails and bumpy roads.
Over the last week or so I have been struggling. People... actually... friends, and yes, family too, have chosen to avert their eyes more often than not. People I have known for years, people I have offered help and support to, people I have been there for countless times, have averted their eyes. Perhaps they are being polite by not being intrusive, but that's certainly not how things come across.
Sometimes all anyone needs is a little love, a little attention, and someone to put their arms around you and tell you they are there and that they empathize with your struggles.
More often than not lately, it seems some people really can't see past the end of their own nose and your struggles are literally water rushing under the bridge on which they stand.

I know. A little negative. A little depressing. I promise, I will come back with something bright and cheery, but for now... here's my heart.


There's always something else, someone else, somewhere else.
And then there's me.

My spirit is broken, shattered, my world is upside down and ripped apart,
And then there's you.

You talk over others, walk over souls, brush away hardships,
And then there's me.

My tears free fall, my knees buckle, my heart plummets,
And then there's you.

Your tears are wetter, your knees weaker, your heart more broken,
Because, really, there's just you.

You and your world in which the rest of us reside.

~by T.J. White (2016)