Saturday, 21 May 2016

The Perpetual Dieter

I came across this in my fb memories feed today and thought I would share.

Perpetual Dieter

I hate food. I hate scales. I hate diets and sizes on clothing.
I hate body image bullshit and wishing I was something I'm not.
I hate mirrors.
I hate this never ending roller coaster.
I hate portion sizes and carbs, fat and calories.
I hate weight watchers and Bernstein.
I hate Jenny fucking Craig.
I hate fat-free, sugar-free, and diet.
I hate organic this and non-GMO that. I hate "good for you" and "bad for you".
I hate chips. I hate chocolate. I hate cake.
Ok maybe not cake.
I hate pounds shed, pounds gained, pounds lost only to be found again.
I hate hating what I've done to the temple that I am.
I hate that I can't live on water and wine. Oh... and coffee.
I hate McDonald's and Tim Horton's and the greasy spoon down the road.
I hate breakfast. I hate lunch. I hate dinner and snacks. 
I hate not loving the way I look. I hate not setting an example for my children.
I hate food addiction. I hate fat. I hate being too (fill in the blank).
I hate the shit I stuff in my face.
I hate eating simply for the sake of feeling something.
I hate feeling full, feeling hungry, and feeling nothing.
I hate feeling guilty.
But I love so much. I love life and I love myself enough to try to change my perception.
~ by T.J. White (c) 2015

Friday, 29 April 2016

The Path


The Path

I step and I fall.
  I get up.
     I step and I fall.
My knees meet the path in a collision of bone and earth,
  But I get up again.
I am not sure if I found this path or if this path found me
  But I travel it all the same. 

Another step and I fall again.
I step and I fall.
  I get up
    Only to step and fall once more.
Again and again I pick myself up to walk again.
  Though sometimes I crawl.
I walk barefoot over shards of glass, my soles broken,
  Blood seeps into this path I tread.
I walk on. 
I step and I fall.
  I rest. I stand.
    I step again. I fall again.
My mind is weary, my body aches, doubt envelopes me.
  But my heart beats on.
With each step my calling whispers to me through hurricane winds,
  I can hear it call my name.

I carry on. 
One step and then another. 
  And another. 
    And another. 
This road does not travel over flat lands and smooth roads,
  But over mountains.
There is no final destination, no map, nor route, nor end in sight,
  This is my journey; a pilgrimage to my calling. 

I travel on.
I step and I fall. I stand even taller.
  Each fall is an opportunity to get up again.
    Each time I am stronger.
Every obstacle overcome is a testament to the greatness I can achieve,
  But only if I carry on. 
I step. I fall. I stand up again and again and again...

by: T.J. Ruberto (c) 2017

I am certain we all have a destiny. I am certain we all have something to offer the world, to share with others; something that will make the world a more beautiful place. I am also certain our hearts cannot be truly happy until we have found the path that leads us to our calling. Once that path is found it's simply a matter of taking the first step.
As many of you know, writing is what I love most. I have spent years on and off of my path, struggling to find my way. In order to do that I have made sacrifices, poor choices, ad difficult decisions, but I think when the time is right things will finally begin to fall into place.
Over the past few weeks I have change my work schedule to devote one day each week to writing and writing alone (and sharing my work with others). I have applied to university in the hopes of earning my English degree. Do I doubt myself sometimes? All too often. Do I question if I am good enough, smart enough, artisitic enough? Absolutely. Do I want to give up on my dreams? Occasionally. But most importantly, will I ever give up on what my heart truly wants and what my soul needs? Hell no.

Monday, 25 April 2016

Train of Thought


Runaway Train

Clickity clack. Clickety clack.
Engines chugging
coursing through my veins.
Too many cars on this railway line.

An angry engine hammers down the rails.
Crimson fire
hot coals burn.
Acrid smoke becomes my breath.

I've lost control of my runaway train.Metal on metal
sparks begin to fly.
Derailment looms at this junction.

But then...

Chiggity chig. Chiggity chig,
Hot steam oozes
seeps from my pores,
My heart does not beat; it bangs.

Now a rickety engine takes these tracks.
Blue smoke pours
the whistle cries.
Rails scream as the engine labours.

Somber clouds hang low in dreary skies.
A mountainous range
no more steady chug.
I can't go on. This conductor's weary.

But then...

Chugga choo. Chugga choo.
Endorphins rush
gather in my chest.
Well-oiled wheels begin to churn.

A sleek new engine grips the ties.
Electric power
a break at last.
All aboard! I shout. I scream. I wail.

I feel the rush of this downhill slide.
Wind blows
I feel alive!
The rage is gone. Enjoy the ride!

But then...


Clickity clack. Clickity clack.
This ride's a trip
not fit for all.
On my crazy, uncomfortable, ramshackle track.

By: T.J. Ruberto (c) 2017


For the first time in my entire life (35 long years), I finally feel in control of my own emotions. Not just for one day either! I have felt balanced for months. 
Now, I feel as though I have a new perspective on the old me. 
There were times when I felt like my emotional self was trapped on a runaway train and I simply had to go along for the ride. There were times when I just wanted company on that lonely journey, to drag others along for company, for compassion, for justification. 
No more. My journey is my own. How I feel is no longer impacted by how others think I should feel, want me to feel, or expect me to feel.  I have matured, changed, evolved, and/or grown emotionally and I can finally see clearly the place where I stood for so long. 
To put into words what it felt like to be trapped on this emotional roller coaster was difficult (to say the least). 

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

You. Me. Your World.

Everyone struggles sometimes and I am a firm believer is supporting one another through thick and thin, over smooth trails and bumpy roads.
Over the last week or so I have been struggling. People... actually... friends, and yes, family too, have chosen to avert their eyes more often than not. People I have known for years, people I have offered help and support to, people I have been there for countless times, have averted their eyes. Perhaps they are being polite by not being intrusive, but that's certainly not how things come across.
Sometimes all anyone needs is a little love, a little attention, and someone to put their arms around you and tell you they are there and that they empathize with your struggles.
More often than not lately, it seems some people really can't see past the end of their own nose and your struggles are literally water rushing under the bridge on which they stand.

I know. A little negative. A little depressing. I promise, I will come back with something bright and cheery, but for now... here's my heart.


There's always something else, someone else, somewhere else.
And then there's me.

My spirit is broken, shattered, my world is upside down and ripped apart,
And then there's you.

You talk over others, walk over souls, brush away hardships,
And then there's me.

My tears free fall, my knees buckle, my heart plummets,
And then there's you.

Your tears are wetter, your knees weaker, your heart more broken,
Because, really, there's just you.

You and your world in which the rest of us reside.

~by T.J. White (2016)

Tiny Forgotten Gems

Bonne Nuit

The candle light flickers in the darkness tonight,
The worries of today tucked away out of sight.
The house seems to whisper through the creaks in the floor,
The world is at rest just beyond the front door.
I bid you good night, adieu, and sweet dreams,
Close your eyes now, my darling, while you dance on moon beams.

by: T.J. Ruberto (c) 2017